blind date

I finally went on the blind date that a co-worker set me up on this past weekend. And...surprisingly...it went very well. The attraction seemed mutual and we both enjoyed each other's company.

But you know how I am. Part of me wants to be giddy and share every detail, but--simply put--I'm scared. He seems really great and definitely gentlemanly. A little odd, but in the refreshing way that fits my own quirkiness. I know this is getting a little ahead of myself, but I'm scared of falling for him and I'm scared of what might happen if things did lead to love.

This last guy I talked about made me feel special, too. I know I tried to overlook some of the things he did, like how he seemed to ignore or forget that certain things made me extremely uncomfortable. And look now, he disappears because I wouldn't give him my address. Weird? I can't forget B either. I was with him and while I can't say that he ever really mistreated me, there were flaws and disagreements that I now know I compromised on or pushed aside. How do I know this guy isn't going to be some joke as well or that I won't make the same dire compromises and mistakes again?

When we were lying in bed (clothed...he didn't get that lucky) he commented that my guard was up and he could tell because he has done that himself. It comes off as quite the line, but I wonder if it's true. I didn't tell him that he was right. Now I wonder if he'll sincerely care enough to take the time to get past my guard.
I kind of hope he does...

since i've been gone

It's been over a year, can you tell I'm horrible at this?

So the most obvious change is that the boyfriend is gone. One day he was on the verge of finally telling me he loved, and the next he decided it was over. Surprisingly, I've come to accept it rather well now. It's interesting how I've realized how much I lied to myself about our relationship, though my no means am I saying it wasn't good for what it was. I just always vowed to myself that I wouldn't settle, but that's what I was doing. Every relationship requires compromise and sacrifice, that I know, but here I was making excuses for a guy who after a year and a half couldn't even tell me how he felt--I loved him dearly but perhaps I compromised my true self away.

It's funny though. I actually thought I might have met someone new. Unfortunately, it looks like he's gone now too and I'm not really sure why. Sometimes I think I really might be too far gone to be of any good to someone now...too far damaged, too many quirks. Though I honestly think I have a lot to offer. Nothing terribly spectacular, but it's all I have. Maybe the time and patience I need to trust are too much, and that just brings us back to point A of being too damaged.

He was very intriguing though, by no means perfect but I liked that. I thought he might actually be willing to wait for me to work through my quirks, but I guess they were to much for him too. I just don't know...