going crazy

Sometimes I honestly wonder if I'm going crazy. Knowing that the people I care about are happy and to know that they are pleased with me is sometimes the only way I know how to be happy.

burdens

Ever feel like you're just a burden to others? I do.

It's not like people tell me that I am so. But I can't help but to feel like I bother people too much. It's just that I don't get close to many people, so the few friends that I am close to are naturally the people I talk to and try to make plans with. So, I find myself becoming concerned that since I'm always spending time with only a few different people that perhaps they might become tired of me. Yet, it maybe that I only make this problem worse by the fact that it's so nerve-wracking to ask people out because I don't want to make too many demands or requests on their time. However, when I know that friends are going out I generally find it so difficult to ask if I can join because I was raised to never invite oneself but rather to wait for an invitation. Isn't that the way it goes or did I take that lesson too far?

Then again, could these insecurities and notions of etiquette be the real reasons? I guess at times these quirks make me seem aloof or un-caring, or whatever it may be. Though, the truth is that I do like people, especially making people happy. And maybe it's that desire to please and not to disappoint others that has brought me to this odd point of being concerned that my presence may be a burden and a point of unhappiness for others. Or could that truly be the case?

I think I think too much.

the 4 letter word and the 3 word phrase

Love.
I love you.

Why is it that a word and a phrase that can give so much pleasure can also cause so much fear and anxiety? How can 'love' be the most overly discussed topic and yet still have so much relevance and emotion attached to it? How can 'I love you' at times be a mundane and lackluster phrase but also be so increibly powerful that it can bring tears to the eyes of both the speaker and the receiver?

There are hundreds upon hundreds of websites offering advice on how, if, and when one should tell someone they love them (at least in the romantic sense). If one's feelings are true then shouldn't their expression come rather naturally? That's not to say that voicing those feelings should or would be easy.

I suppose the thing that makes love and loving so confusing is the presence of many different forms of love and how they become convoluted. There's the love between parent and child, siblings, friends, and romantic lovers. But for the purposes of my ramblings I shall be mainly pondering romantic love...

To Be Continued
P.S. It took four sittings to write this one post, ironic?

too good to be true?

Such an old adage, but is it true? I won't deny that it can be a very useful saying when it comes to things like creepy car salesmen or the abundance of infomercials promising that their product will change your life. But if we always live by such a saying then we risk the chance of passing up the good because we think it's "too good to be true." Can't I just enjoy something good without having to worry that this old cliche will come to fruition?

the other side

Protecting those individuals whom one cares about, seems to be a common sentiment and idea. The parent protecting the child, the spouse protecting their partner, the whole concept of 'sticking up' for friends and family. Often the protection is thought of as being against things like violence, a 'cruel world,' disappointment, hunger, heartache, etc.

But what if the thing you want to protect them from is your life? Not necessarily being that it's some dark secret that you want to keep from say your partner. But rather that you just wish that you could keep the part of your life that they're a part of separate from some part of your life that is difficult or trying. Even if you know that they'd be understanding, compassionate, and supportive, you just want to spare them from having to see the darker side of your life and maybe even so they don't have to see you weak.

How do you share your life with someone or just open yourself up to them if you can't allow them to truly see all of you? I've often thought of it as wishing that I could make a bubble around them to protect them from myself, in essence. Though, perhaps the bubble is really around myself, protecting me from what I fear they might think of me if they knew all of my life. It's this feeling of wanting them to only see the happy side, not the pain or emotions, because I feel that they deserve the best.

Do you protect the person you care about or do you protect yourself from a fear of rejection? Or, do you breakdown the glass wall (or pop the bubbles) between the two of you and just hope that they will not be frightened by what's on your side of the wall?

Yet, it really doesn't seem right to lead 'dual lives'--not for the person leading them nor for those that they care about. So, perhaps the best decision is to bring the two parts of your life together and do the best you can to show those you care about that this other part is only a piece of you. A piece that won't affect how you value or feel about them. And, you're really the same person you've always been, the same person who cares about them.

How to be weak?

I think many can relate when I say that I was raised to be 'strong' and 'independent.' It was as though to be dependent was to be weak, and to be weak was to be flawed. So, what is one to do at those times in life when we are truly down and could use the comfort and support of a friend or loved one? To ask for such support from someone can make you feel needy and weak and, consequently, open to criticism from the very people we need.

But, must one be afraid of asking for help? Should one fear that asking for support when truly needed cause him or her to be marked as "needy" and "dependant"? As recently learning first-hand of the chaos of having PTSD, I know the extreme difficulty that can exist in asking for support. Always thankful that I wasn't one of those needy and clingy women and girlfriends, it was hard to ask my boyfriend to stay with me because I was "afraid to be alone."

I suppose my point is that it seems a bit ironic that life is giving me a lesson to learn how to be weak and vulnerable (to some extent) in a world where strength is emphasized. So, can one put down the shields of "strength" in order to concede weakness and accept solace?

Back

So, I'm back. To be honest I've been so busy I actually forgot I had started this blog. Though I suppose it doesn't matter so much considering it's probably not even visited by anyone. But lately I've found myself contemplating the irony of life's brilliant madness, and that's when it hit me...I have a blog by that name. Sad, I know. But I figured why not go back to it and at least write for myself. Sometimes I wish I knew that whether someone is reading these thoughts, but at the same time it's comforting to know that for the time being they will remain anonymous. Oh well.